Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

Survivor: The Dryer Edition.

Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

the clam before the storm

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now