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I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Great acting.. 😂
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi