Awwwww shit.
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When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.