Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*

flight attendant: STOP THAT

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand