Awwwww shit.
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They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
for all #parents out there
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.
My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
And then there were 4
