Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Guy who likes music
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.