Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety

me: no need i already have it

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳