Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me: “William”

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

[middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig

Wife:

Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts

Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

o shit

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

Cashiers are always checking me out

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically