Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen