Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
crying
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
This is true.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
My life in a nutshell
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze