Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.