Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
no refunds
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*