Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

Love thy neighbor’s dog

No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

Me: I look cute today.

Camera: No.

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers