Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?
It fired boohlets.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.