Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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My dog when she hears popcorn popping
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
The French cow says MEUX…
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy