Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
#StillHurts
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.