Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
When your man makes a valid point
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.