Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Life hack
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
no
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed