Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

Always the camel, never the toe.

Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*

My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.

Encore…

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that

A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.