axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
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Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
My god she’s good.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
eggs benadryl
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!