Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
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Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
IT’S-A ME,
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
A family that plays together cheats.
