Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that

BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”

Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

Plot twist:

“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda