Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
You Might Also Like
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.