Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!

AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?

ME: Hammers

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

constantly working on myself.

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand