Aye quick question, y’all think when Michael Jackson got back to heaven he reset back to Black? Like factory settings?
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I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
New menu item
i hope my email finds you on fire
ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview
THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.