Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
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thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
The Friday File.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.