Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
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The glory of fall.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
🤣😂🤣😂
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
