Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Backseat Boys

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

You have been warned.

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

I have so many questions.

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song