Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
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What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
when revenge coincides with naptime
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
*Inspirational Tweets*
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.