Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k

date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

HIM: Do you have raisins?

ME: I have grapes and patience.

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.