Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
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[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
lol
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
The news in a nutshell.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner