Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again

Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it

Checkmate Jesus.

Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

I lost a peanut butter m&m in my bed and now I’m afraid about where I’m gonna find it

Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.