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I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.