Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

I believe the plural is “milves.”

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security

Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.