Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.

Is this the real life?
Is this just

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”

High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”

GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”

ME: “Yes”

GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”

ME: “YES”

GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”

ME: “I’m out”

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.