Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

Smile Twitter, Smile.

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

If a snake ate a cake

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.