babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
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*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I didn’t know they can drive…
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
The little toadstool has spoken.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.