Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

lmfao

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?