I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
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still the best tweet of the year by far
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.