Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

Saw this yesterday lol

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

Got ya covered

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now

I feel seen

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

Bed should get ready for ME

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.