Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

The pasta is now

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

“No”

Cop: *points* Your buck naked

[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks