Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10
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Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.