Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10
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My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.