Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.

[Last day of school for the year]

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets