Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

*Discussing the school nativity play*

Me: Who’s Mary?

7: She’s Jesus’s mum.

Me: Yes, who’s playing her.

7: Dunno.

Me: Who’s Joseph?

7: He’s Mary’s husband.

Me:

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

We have a winner.

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

His flabber was gasted 😂

After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!

A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.