Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
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good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Ain’t no way
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes