Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

😂🖐️

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.