Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
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*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
The internet is full of many things
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.