Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”

the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.

He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

“It all started when my mom met my dad…”

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing