Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.

Hubs: I’ll carry you!

6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!

Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!

6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.

Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”

Me: “7”

Him: “oh really?”

Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]

wife: how did the interview go?!

me: terrible

wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?

me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster

certified hallow’s eve classic

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor

[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean