-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
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Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.