Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

ME: for like important stuff i guess

CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs

ME: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

ME: she did what

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.