-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
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Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Sorry not sorry.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.