Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
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People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]