Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone