Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake

Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable

My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!

My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*

Me- STOP IT

It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

Good morning

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.