Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

Coffee for people with no kids

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.