Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings:

David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn

Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

[hawaii]

me: aloha!

my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up

me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”