babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
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Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
This joke is 7 years old
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky