babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
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Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.