babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
You Might Also Like
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
The big book of baby names but for safe words
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
All these self driving vehicles..It’s only a matter of time that we hear a country song about his truck leaving him
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower