“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
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If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Why soy sad?
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.