Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Passed by a old school Math example today.

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.