Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?

Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR

For speeding.

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”

twitter is a journey

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.