babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
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I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.