Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Why though?

Her: You lie to me constantly

Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.

We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.