babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
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it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds