You Might Also Like
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
accurate
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.