babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
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Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*