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Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?