Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

wtf

The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*