Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

There’s no “us” in nachos.

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.

I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”