Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

We are the people our parents warned us about.

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

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The Chosen Phew

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?

Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

Daughter: I drew a picture of you

Me: where’s my big muscles?

Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”