Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

Looking at you, Jesus.

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

new wife guy just dropped

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

This checks out

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

🧵 1/246

Tech support: What seems to be the problem?

Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!

TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.