Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

Isn’t

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks

A woman drives into a bar.

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

Effort made

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

Company at my house: Do you have a bathroom?
My Mind: No we shit in the yard

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

3yo: dad I’m swimming!

Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!

3yo: I keep drinking the water!

Me: I know don’t drink the water!

3yo: I just drank more of the water!

Me: please stop drinking the water!

3yo: my belly hurts!

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.