Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
You Might Also Like
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.