Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
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Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
the zen of frog
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes