Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
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me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater